Growing Fonder

It's not you, it's me.

Really.

I started a temp job this week and I don't feel like I should be on the internet for non-work related tasks. I know, I know. But with the law firm, I didn't feel guilt about it because I could tell myself they were doing awful things to people and deserved kharmic justice. Where I am right now is a non-profit that is doing good things and in some way actually inspires me to want to impress them. Maybe it was the fact that I had four interviews before they hired me (yes, as a temp, crazy). Anyway, blogging is going to be a bit light for a while.

I also started rehearsing a new project that came out of the blue and is shaping up to be a good challenge and a fun time.

So I'm beat--early mornings and late nights all over again--but I feel productive and activated.

Other randon updates:

1. Saw Juno. Worried for a moment at the start that it was going to be Napolean Dynamite all over again (which I enjoyed, but don't need two of) but soon my fears were assuaged. I really enjoyed it. Although it also made me think that maybe the best time to fall in love is before you reach the voting age and certainly before you reach the run-for-president age (which I am dangerously close to) because it'll catch you when your heart is still open and your bitterness unripe. I mean, really, I don't really think that, but some moments kinda made me think.

2. (literary spoilers here, if you care about that kind of thing) Finished THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER. Last night. Just about reached part three and gasped. C looked over my shoulder "Put a bullet in his chest?" I threw the book down. "The mute! The one you really care about! The guy everybody needs to survive. And now he killed himself over a sloppy, ingrateful greek man. What?!" Anyway--if anyone has read this book and wants to engage in conversation about it, I'd love to do so.

3. Did eXtreme eXchange, saw late night environmental theater, saw the Neo-Futurists, and watched about eight episodes of Extras. I am glad people are doing political theater, I am glad people are doing site-specific theater, I am glad Woolly brought TMLMTBGB to DC, and I am glad that we can now watch TV shows on DVD.

4. Got my hair cut. Really happy with it. Nothing radical, just a good haircut. David at VSL rocks. CP said so, but I thought she was blinded by the Alabama thing. Not so. He's really good.

5. C found a parking space to rent near his place. Who would've thought, when we were all living out in the suburbs with our yards and our driveways and our garages and our cul-de-sacs that someday we would be scouring Craig's List to find a parking space that we could pay someone money to use. A tiny little piece of land, for a car. Silly, but totally necessary where he lives. This was very good news though it sounds kind of inconsequential now that I've written it out.

6. This American Life is all in re-runs, but it meant I got to hear the weight-lifting snowman all over again. The whole Superintendant-Episode rocks.

7. This temp job is kind of near Java Green. Every time lunch rolls around I feel the magnetic pull. I do so love it. I think maybe meat eaters can't quite understand the wonder a veggie has when they walk into a place like that. When, on average you go into a restaurant (especially a sandwich place) and have maybe three options out of twenty (even a fish eater like me) and then to go to this place where you can eat anything on the menu. Anything, everything, one of each, a new choice every day. it's overwhelming. And it is all so good. I'm blowing my budget on spicy soy chicken.This could get out of hand.

Retired

I’m stewing a bit. I got an email this morning reminding me once again that I am a bad friend and a terrible person and that I hate babies and sunshine and all that is good and sweet and pure in the world. At least, this was the subtext. I think.

It’s a question I’ve mulled over here before, instigated by similar happenings in the past with the same person that this always comes up with. And I wonder--when do you just let a friendship go? When is it no longer worth fighting for?

This time I think I am pretty much done with it.

I am so tired of apologizing. I am so tired of navigating the emotional minefield. I am tired of trying to guess what is the right way, the best way, the only way to be a friend to my friend.

It makes me sad because we have been friends for over twenty-five years. That’s a long time. And I know, knowing her, that if the friendship ends I will never hear from her again. I will never see her, I will never know how her family is, I will never see her toddler or the one on the way make their way into childhood then adolescence then adulthood. I will be cleanly and systematically eliminated from her life. I’ve watched her do it to others.

She’s very good at it.

Starbucks Haikus

You in your tall boots
A vente frappucino?
So much for resolve.

Icy drinks line up.
Weather-dot-com says sunny--
You’d think it was spring.

Spinach feta wrap.
Where have you been all my life?
Warm processed goodness.

Holidays have passed,
Now pockets full of gift cards.
Starbucks every meal.

Once Bitten

I’m having all sorts of anxiety-related sleeping issues lately. This doesn’t mean that I want to sleep any less it just means that I toss and turn and have weird dreams. Awesome.

I’m working on getting the dramaturgical packet together for SWIMMING by Tuesday’s first read, which has been great fun but also rather challenging. There is a lot of information out there. Too much information. And I am doing my best to model dramaturge (and playwright extraordinaire) Miss Lawton with her beautifully laid out packets and tables of contents and fun pictures and reader-friendly information and lack of dependence on wikipedia. And I am learning all sorts of interesting things like the difference between sharks and fish (fish have bones, sharks only have cartilage) and about the history of hummels (Sister Maria Innocentia Hummel, who created the first hummels, died at the tender age of thirty-seven from tuberculosis) but it’s of no use until I put it all together.

Something Fishy

I made this yesterday. Myself.

It was tasty.

It was easy.

I used pre-prepared pesto sauce and made a side dish of packaged couscous that already had stuff thrown into it, to which I added re-constituted sundried tomatoes. And it was quick and easy and tasty and relatively wholesome. Best of all, making this got me over my fish phobia. I did cook on a somewhat regular basis, many years ago (like, 1994-1996) but at the time I cooked only veggie food because I wasn’t eating seafood yet. So my window of cooking confidence includes no meat or fish, which is fine for me but a bit limited when you want to share dinner with someone else.

C and I had a sort of unspoken new year’s resolution to eat at home more often, schedules allowing. Eating out is such a drain of money and it allows for so little control over what we are putting into out bodies. We’ve had some time; it seemed like a good thing to start doing.

The other night C improvised a fabulous meal of salmon, sautéed mushrooms, and roasted sweet potatoes. I am not one to improvise, especially when it involves a part of the meal that was once alive, so I followed the Cooking Light recipe for my turn at bat.

And I am telling you, it was really, really good!

And I am only repeating this over and over again because I am completely lacking in confidence when it comes to any of my domestic skills. In another day and age, when women were valued for their abilities to maintain an orderly home, cook a well-balanced meal, and keep the laundry clean and the socks darned--I would have been a lost cause. Sometimes I think I still am.

Anyway, still more to say about the holidays and the new year, anon.