Waffle!
So, this is an issue I have: I think when I make a decision it has to be a forever thing. That once made up, my mind can't ever change. It's sort of crippling.
Because sometimes I choose nothing rather than making a choice I may possibly want to change someday. I mean, I throw around this idea that I have issues with commitment. But as I think about it--my issue is not so much that I don't want to commit to something, it is that I am terrified to ever de-commit, so rather than de-commit I don't commit at all.
Directing is different. Productions are fleeting. The decisions I make for a show only last four weeks or so. Film would be hard.
That said, there are some things I've committed to. A life in the theater. Not eating meat. Living in a city. Relying on public transportation. Friendships.
Seriously though, I don't know what it would be like to de-commit from one of those things. Maybe it would be great for me to move to small town, USA, to get a job at a ummm--place where people in small town, USA work--to buy a hybrid car to get me around, to maybe start off slow by eating free range chickens then eventually move on to the juicy red stuff.
Maybe I would be happier. Maybe my hair would be shinier. (That's what all the nay-sayers said when I stopped eating meat. Something about shiny hair.)
I suspect I won't ever find out.
Sometimes I am prodded towards major decisions by others.
I am moving this weekend. My cousin decided to move and I thought that staying in a healthy, happy roommate situation was worth the hassle and stress of moving. I think this is the right thing.
So, I'll be MIA for a week or so.
I really hate moving. But I am trying to look at the bright side of what the move means.
New scenery. A back patio. A well maintained home. A chance to weed out my life. A healthier living space.
Of course these things will only happen if we make them happen. But I'm trying to be a grown-up these days. I think I can handle it.
posted by SAS @ 2:11 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Good luck with the move. I'm glad we're working together next year!
don't me MIA that would be incredibly sad, you owe me some good hang out time.
and I think that choices, though something we make, don't have to be kept. But I think the more we keep them, the deeper those choices get get, the more they mean. And isn't that what it's really all about. Not making the choices but the meaning that grows from them.
wait, you are moving to the suburbs?
I live in the suburbs. although not in VA, so I hope you're not over there.
either way, hannah, yourself, and myself should re-convene for fries somewhere. I'll bring you some glossing spray or leave-in-conditioner.
Good lord girl--I'm not moving to the suburbs!
About twenty blocks from where I am now. From one urban-pioneer-transitional-neighborhood to another even more urban-pioneer-transitional-neighborhood.
Because I will never live in northwest and I will never live in the suburbs...
And where you live really isn't the 'burbs...
And yes, fries, fries, fries, fries, black cat, IHOP, something?!, yes?
yes! but really, what's wrong with NW?
It's a control thing -- for me anyways -- clutching on to what is familiar and known rather than venturing into unknown, even though there might be better and healthier options out there. And it's an existential thing. Who would I be if I made this change or choice, or if started doing something differently? Would anyone recognize me? Truth is, you'd still be the same person, just in slightly different cirucmstances or surroundings, and possibly happier and healthier and more joyful than you ever thought you could be. Which is also unknown. And who that loves you wouldn't want to see that? Everyone would still recognize you.
My realization about a life in the theatre is this: I can do it, because I want to do it and enjoy doing it, then I will continue doing it. On my own time and when and if I want to. But If I am doing it because I feel like I need to or I have to or I couldn't possibly be happy doing anything else -- well then it's time to look around for something else. We as actors, directors and artists define ourselves by what we do. We live to work. Too often our occupations define us. We feel we need our jobs in order to be happy. And that is just so disempowering. It's telling ourselves that we are worthless if we are not doing theatre or art. That somehow we are failures if we are not doing it. Or if we decide to stop that we are failures or that we weren't good enough to "make it." When really who makes it and who doesn't has nothing to do with how good or talented or smart you are. Most people who are in the arts are incredibly smart and capable people and could do a variety of other things if they so chose. And if your happiness and healthiness depends on a job that is as inconsistent, subjective and unreliable and fleeting as theatre is. . . chances are that your happiness and healthiness can be described by the same adjectives.
Post a Comment
<< Home