Woah.
Okay, I opened a can of worms here that I did not intend to open. I will willingly take out the links to the blogs in the last post, and let's call it a truce.
Sandwich Repair guy, your blog was simply a point of reference for me. Honestly, I am too technologically clueless to have thought that you would ever end up reading it, and if my post hurt you in any way, I am truly, truly sorry. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I am essentially a kind person. Hypersensitive to a fault (which is why I feel like a total schmuck for potentially having hurt your feelings) but your blog raised some interesting points for me to think about, and that is why it became a launching point for me to write about.
I do stand by my feelings about men raising high the flag of feminism over their female counterparts. I, personally, find it obnoxious. You can, by all means, disagree with me on that. Okay? We disagree. But you are not a woman and I am not a "feminist man". So, as you said, don't "assume everyone is or should be like you."
And no, I am not basing any of my opinions on "facts or evidence". I am basing them on WHAT YOU WRITE ON YOUR BLOG. That's what you put out there, so, it's out there. And I do find it a bit disturbing that you post the emails of women who have turned you down for dates, or emailing, or whatever response you would hope to get from internet dating. They have no idea that they are providing blog fodder for you, don't you think that's a little unfair?
And all my male feminist rants aside, I will say that I have realized in reading and hearing about other people's dating experiences, that I have had some really wonderful, amazing, bright, and yes - truly FEMINIST FRIENDLY - men in my life. That includes male friends, ex-boyfriends, and my brother and father. And if nothing else comes out of this but that realization, well, rock on for that one. I have been lucky. And I am only now realizing how lucky I am. And to anyone out there reading this, who is a fellow and has been a friend, thanks.
Lighting Designer - let's really make next week happen, but I'll see you Friday in the meantime.
Whew. Now that we got that out of the way can I keep complaining about the tourists?
posted by SAS @ 9:47 AM
21 comments
21 Comments:
The links don't bother me at all. I would rather you restore them so at least third parties can compare what I write and what you write and evaluate your credibility. I'm not sure why you censored my other comment either. I've never deleted a comment from my blog, even when blatantly anti-Semetic.
I will address most of your points later, when I have time to do them justice. But for now I'll just note that you made a lot of conclusions and very judgemental statements that were not based on what I wrote at all. You claimed I said things that I never have--or would. I don't appreciate being treated as a hopeless car wreck by you, and I happen to be quite a sensitive person myself (for better and worse) and was indeed very hurt by not only what you said, but the fact that you didn't have the guts to say it on my own blog or directly to me. Your excuse about my obsessively seeking advice does not pass the laugh test (I can think of only one occasion where I have solicited advice on my blog) and feels more like you wanted to avoid being held accountable for what you say. If you're frustrated about turning 30 or whatever, fine, but fair is fair and putting me down to feel better about yourself is really lame. If you want to offer opinions or advice, my ears and mind are always open, but I have a rather deeply developed identity and set of principles, so I can hardly promise agreement.
As for posting emails, I am pretty sure, though not 100% positive, that I have always done so anonymously. Where I've included links to womens' online profiles, I haven't posted anything they wrote. I've never used their real names or included identifying or contact information. Where I have posted an email, I believe they have been only short pre-written responses from a dating site, and I don't believe I have included any identifying information about them. If you can cite an example I will look at it and consider whether I should change what I post or even delete earlier ones. But--if this is really what bothers you about my blog, why didn't you say anything earlier?
Finally: I may need to do a whole post on this, but my blog is NOT a dating blog, and DEFINITELY not a Sex in the City type thing. In fact, I've never seen that show. Whoever is reading my blog seems to ignore everything but the dating stuff, but by any measure it is a minority of what I post. Have you missed everything about transportation, Canada, politics, customer service, suburban sprawl, court decisions, art I've made...? To characterize my blog as focused at all on dating is pretty close to flat out dishonesty.
P.S. You misspelled "whoa".
I woulda' left the links in -- he has links to women's profiles that include their photos. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander.
And don't apologize Ma. Anyone, ourselves included, who puts their ideas in a public forum (which I belive the "blogger-sphere" to be, as anyone can access it) is subject to scrutiny, whether direct or indirect.
PS: Sandwich Repairman, most of your other posts are simple cut and pastes (from what I can tell -- your blog is quite large) and most of what you actually write yourself, from what I can tell, is devoted to dating.
The facts Ma had to go on were the facts you presented -- your profile has info on your education, and how you desire to leave the US.
Which I find interesting ... the mantra of Socialism is "workers unite" and you're rather keen on fleeing the country right now(even if it is for school), and don't seem to present an intent on returning.
Canada shmanada.
Hey Hey now ... they are our Neighbor to the North
WOAH, sandwich repair man, sir. what the heck? look. i'm sure you're really a very pleasant fella. but, you have a blog. you put it out there for everyone to read. you have to expect that people are going to form opinions of you if you so openly discuss personal aspects of your life. that's it. oh. and happy fucking birthday, sas.
mb
Sandwich man, you misspelled "anti-Semitic."
OK, go to your neutral corner(s).
As far as blogs go, I'm not a writer or much of a reader of them. I've read some...maybe ten, and not regularly. I side with MB on the whole (paraphasing here)"If you publish your thoughts, opinions on a blog for all to read you should be accepting of both the positive and negative responses you might get."
But why apologize for what you really think? I think blogging is a way to write about a character one creates of themself. A narrative, some pollished lines, some exaggeration, what have you, but it probably should be regarded as fictionalized human narrative, or in lay person's terms: talkin' shit.
Sometimes it's fun, true, anti-whatever, but it is a SHADE of the reality of who we really are. The blog itself is a layer that keeps the actual ideas, thoughts and feelings a blogger really has, an "rch" from who they really are.
If I want honesty, I'll ask for someone's number, call them up and meet with them to hear their "narrative" while looking them in the eye.
Don't get me wrong, I have liked some blogs I have read, but most are trying to be too clever while using anonimity and snappy writing to elevate their ideas and opinions (and self perceptions) to a place of superiority or desirability that they do not have and wish they did. Period.
Now, does every blogger do this? Of course not. But I have read some entries (postings?) of both City Mice and Sandwich Repair Guy and you both should back off each other or at least agree that your postings/comments (via blog characters) are so volatile that each of you should think why you react to each other the way you do.
City Mice: You should stop worrying about people liking you. I am positive you are a good person, and although you may sound a tad reactionary, I am sure there is a person who likes you (loves you) like no other...maybe super-moving man? PS: That guy needs a new moniker.
Sandwhich Repair Guy: Fix yourself. I'd love to chat with you about why you feel so wounded and frustrated by dating, but truth be told, you are the common denominator in all the equations, right? Your blog character sounds literate, intelligent, but posting personal e-mails without express consent of the person who sent it to you is like reading aloud in school a note passed to you from a person you decided to hurt intentionally: cruel...and smacks of a desperate desire to feel superior. I never liked kids like you so don't be surprised when City Mice, myself or anyone else takes issue with your back-of-the-bus-B-reel-nonsense.
PS:Get over yourself.
Am I being judgemental? Maybe. Who cares? Do I care if you disagree with me? Nope. I couldn't give a cold crap on a hot day. I mean, who am I to you people? I'm a nobody, right? I'm just someone who can punch keys and rant away like a third rate Dennis Miller.
Just because one can type a reponse doesn't make it valid. Blogs are not sacred fonts of wisdom. "The only thing separating holy writ from complete bullshit is your perspective" So a guy writes a bunch of judgemental oddly opinionated personal drivel and uses the women he has interactions with as fodder for his "blog life" (read as: character fantasy). So what? It's his right.
So by that example, all I'd need is a cool name for a blog and to type away. Then should suddenly my opinions matter to absolute strangers who do not have the same life, life experiences, or belief system as me? No, not a whit.
In closing, I stick to my one-presents-themself-as-the-character-they-have-created-for-their-blog perception about all this. We are not always what we write.
Take me seriously on this...or not. See, you can take blogging seriously or yourselves seriously, but I find it harder than chinese arithmetic to do both.
Word.
PS: My name is not Scott Baio.
What personal email have I posted without the writer's permission? I have yet to see anyone give an example. I love all these assumptions people are making with no basis in fact. I post what I do in an effort to be as accurate and honest as possible. If I characterized it instead, I would be biasing it through the filter of my own perceptions (which several people have done here). I try to avoid doing that. I'm not interested in exaggerating anything or pumping myself up on my blog; my priority is to be as honest and direct as possible. I already issued an invitation for examples and expressed a willingness to stop doing whatever I've done that you all find inappropriate. I actually omit a number of what might be perceived as positive things because I hate bragging. I'm a populist, and a Midwesterner, and put a certain premium on humility. All I think I request of people is rationality, but that seems to be out of fashion.
I don't know what "fix yourself" or "get over yourself" are supposed to mean, other than that they sound mean and superior. I'm happy to chat with you though, there's a link to my email address right in my profile which no one here has taken advantage of.
Most of my posts--excluding anything I've copied and pasted--are not about dating. I have posts on transportation, gay marriage, health care, and Bush/Iraq visible right now that no one has commented on. And I haven't expressed much frustration with dating lately. I met a really great woman who I'd pursue a relationship with if I weren't about to leave the country. And until I get settled in my new city, it's pretty much on hiatus anyway.
It's easy to say the common denominator is me, harder and more time-consuming to actually read through what I've written, or try to get to know me and determine what's really going on. There are plenty of other possibilities, including the fact that I belong to a personality type shared by at most 1% of the population, and other life experiences I've had that I'm not comfortable sharing with the general public.
Children, children. Don't make me turn this car over :p
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I had written a log and rather sympathetic concilliatory comment for God only knows why -- this is fucking blogland -- but Sandy Mc Sandwich ...
You started off all glib and all of a sudden your feelings are hurt? Given your social leanings (of which I agree), you should like the fact that you incite thought and comment in people.
And we all reacted the same -- misreading and overreacting in fucking cyberspace. We called you sexist, you called us stupid.
If anything, we're all too impulsively reactionary.
nan - turn the car over. It's already off the cliff and there's nothing more compelling than a wreck.
NAN, thanks for the thought, but Jemp is right: we're over the cliff already.
Sandwich, I will ckeck out your blog again, and e-mail first chance I get. I type corrected. Everybody deserves a second look.
Mouse, Happy Birthday.
Later. I've gotta go be mean and superior to a roomful of retarded school children.
They're easy pickin's.
Word, y'all.
PS: My name is still not Scott Baio
PS: Canada can take a long hot drink out of my can. The decision to allow US drug companies to continue to bilk citizens of this country for the cost of prescription medication by limiting purchases is ludicrous.
I would love to know what sort of Kickback they are getting (from US drug companies, the Bush administration) for declaring themsleves as not the US's drug store.
By that logic, would that make China the US's discount shoe outlet?
Just a question.
PS: So not Scott Baio.
I don't see how I've ever been glib, I don't even think I have such capacity in me. Nor did I ever call anyone stupid.
But as this gets more and more surreal, I'm increasingly convinced that the bulk of you are not very concerned with the facts, so it would be pointless to try to defend myself or demonstrate the baseless conclusions, outright fabrications, or other distortions and inaccuracies in SAS' posts about me rationally. Sure, all she has to go on is what I write, but most of it has been distorted if not ignored completely. My blog is not a "persona" or fiction or fantasy in any way--it is an honest account of me and my life. I never claimed to be a better feminist than anyone, rarely seek others' advice, clearly have a much stronger sense of self than most people my age, don't have problems stemming from the paying issue--which I did not raise in the first place, and am not obsessing about dating.
But if you choose to ignore the facts, there's no way I can convince you. I do enjoy pondering all sorts of new ideas, and provoking both thought and debate. All I seem to have provoked here are demeaning personal attacks, rather than anything constructive. SAS thought she could mock me on her blog without being held accountable for it, and apologized but left both posts up. Others seem to have decided they don't like me for no real reason, other than maybe the instinct to defend a friend and believe they're right. It's sad that our culture is so judgemental and passive-aggressive, but that culture is one of many reasons why I'm leaving.
Happy Canada Day.
Sandwich -- read your own comments on your blog:
"Nan said...
Wait, do City Mouse & Co. think YOU are the one behind these emails & that this is your eBook?
17:22
Sandwich Repairman said...
who the hell knows...there are a lot of stupid people out there. at least I can have great RATIONAL, informed conversations with V. She seems to have her shit together better than any woman I've met in a long time. And considering where she started that's especially impressive. she seems not to be in the Penis Pays crowd either, as we keep emailing and hanging out despite splitting the cost of whatever came before. i just wish i'd met her sooner!
19:33"
Your not dumb, nor are you good at playing dumb. Your comment was made in response to a comment about the comments upon which we are commenting. To comment on your comment, you commented that we were "stupid".
Perhaps you are painfully self-unaware?
ALSO, you were secondary to the point of her blog. BUT YOU HAVE MADE YOURSELF THE POINT, THEREFORE, NARCISSUS, YOU'VE FALLEN INTO THE RIVER.
As for being passive aggressive ... whoa baby -- did you catch your reflection before you fell in?
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
PS -- GO TO CANADA! PLEASE! You have my blessing! For you, it seems the Golden Door's closed and the Torch done gone out. SO SCOOT!
The Double Your Dating crap is obnoxious and kind of scary, but it's been around a long time. And if you've ever hit a porn site or two, chances are that Double Your Dating has turned up in your in box. I'm sure SRM is not the author. But it's content, while extremely smarmy and reeking of machismo, is really not very different than what we get from, say, watching Swingers or the Tao of Steve. And that is basically that desperation lack of self-confidence reek and will get you nowhere fast. The position that there is a fool-proof method for success with the opposite sex is what is most obnoxious and scary and it demeans and objectifies and generalizes women and makes them targets. But whoever is behind Double Your Dating is preying on guys, too. Guys who are insecure and desperate enough to spend good money on such a thing. It's the culture we live in. The culture that says if you're not banging some hot chick there's something wrong with you. That if you're not having sex, there's something wrong with you. Society and Media these days do just as much to make guys feel inadequate as women. And the guy behind Double Your Dating is feeding on and taking advantage of that.
Happy belated SAS. 30 is the new 20.
-A
I think that's the most intelligent thing I've heard all day. I've run across Double Your Dating before and deeply resent it for all the reasons you mention, which I've articulated before in various places. What's more, the cultural pressure to be dating someone, to be having sex with someone, especially some hot model no woman can really look like and no man can really attract, is very damaging and indeed plays on and magnifies the insecurities of both men and women. Unfortunately I'm no less immune to it than anyone else, I just see it, name it, and dislike it.
I got a more recent, longer email from the guy who suggested I use that. He acknowledged that it helped him get laid, but said that was really unfulfilling and a relationship (love/romance) was what he really needed. I could see using some hookup strategy to build your confidence (if I feel confident that I can usually get a woman I want to sleep with me, that spills over to boost my confidence with women otherwise) since I think that is really the root issue to begin with. Otherwise it's just a big sexist crock.
notice this post is still here as of July 11th even though SAS claims to have removed it. working in theatre does not exempt you from facts in the real world. Why is DC theatre so much worse than Seattle's, anyway?
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