Burrowing

When I was little, and I was tired of sitting at the dinner table (family dinner time was honored at our home -- and pretty much obligatory until we got into high school and found it impossible to fit into everyone's schedules) I would turn around and burrow my head into the back of my chair so that my family got a shot solely of my "better end". In retrospect, I marvel that they let me do this, and continued to eat and converse with a little "coolie" (the word my Italian grandmother used for a rear end - not the non-PC term for Chinese day workers) sticking up from one end of the table.

I fit fine that way - I was small for my age until I hit puberty -- and could nestle quite comfortably into this very 1970's chair with wheels that turned and spun around on our 1970's linoleum. I would gaze down at the floor and think without disturbance. Without needing to talk to anyone. And as long as I actually stayed at the dinner table, my parents were okay. It was an unspoken contract.

There is something of that burrowing instinct that remains in me.

Right now, when nothing seems clear, about my show, about my life, about my future, about tomorrow, about three hours from now - I am struck with that same desire to burrow. But it's not an option.

I think that is the scariest thing about becoming a grown up. You can't ever just stick your head in the pillow. The world will still be there, waiting for you when you turn around. They need an answer.

There is nowhere to hide.

I am unsure about the show. Until I can see it in its entirely, with all the elements in place, I am not sure what exactly we need to fix. New plays are very hard in that way. One can't help but wonder - is this a play at all?

I am letting down a friend this week. A friend I love, and who deserves anything I can give her. But the thing she needs most right now, I just don't have. That is time.

I have been away from the work that actually pays. Rent is going to be a challenge this month.

Yes. Welcome to the glamorous world of the arts.

I wonder if I turned around and burrowed into my chair at my day job right now, if my co-workers would look at me funny...

Probably.